Parenting a child with SEN — from one parent to another

I’m writing this as a parent who has walked the path of confusion, small victories and hard conversations. My child was finally assessed for additional needs after months of worried phone calls, missed mornings and nights I lay awake wondering whether I was doing the right thing. One small memory that stays with me: a teacher texting me a photo of my child quietly drawing at lunchtime — something they’d never done before because the school had tried a tiny change that helped them feel safe. That moment made all the paperwork and pushing feel worth it.

I’m not a professional. I’m a parent who learned a few useful things the hard way and who wants to share practical, calm advice that helped me. I’ll keep this simple, honest and non-judgemental — and point you to trusted UK sources if you want to read more.

School support — what good support looks like

Good support means the school notices what helps your child and then does it consistently. That might be a quiet place at lunch, different instructions, more time in exams, or sensory equipment. Schools should write down agreed actions in a short plan so everyone knows what to try.

An Education, Health and Care plan (EHCP) is a formal plan for children who need more support than the school can usually provide. It sets out the child’s needs and the extra help they should get. (An EHCP is for children and young people up to age 25 who need a lot of extra support.)

Many children do well with a simpler school plan called a SEN Support Plan (sometimes just called SEN support) — this is a school-led plan which lists adjustments and targets. A SENCO is the school staff member who coordinates special educational needs in the school (that’s the Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator). If you’re unsure who the SENCO is at your child’s school, ask — they are the person who should help organise support. Local NHS and charity pages give practical education advice for specific conditions like autism.

Building relationships with staff — practical tips

A positive working relationship with school staff makes everything easier. Here’s what worked for me:

Arrange a pre-meeting. Before a formal meeting, ask for five minutes with the teacher or SENCO to share one or two short notes about what helps at home (e.g. “needs visual reminders” or “gets anxious with noise”). This gives staff a head start.
Share strengths first. Start conversations by saying something like, “They love drawing and respond to praise for effort.” It sets a collaborative tone.
Keep short written notes. After meetings, email a one-line summary: “Thanks — we agreed on X, Y and Z.” This creates a record and prevents misunderstandings.
Ask for regular reviews. Little check-ins (every 6–8 weeks) are better than waiting for things to go wrong.
When things are strained, stay factual. If you feel ignored or dismissed, note dates, meetings and missed actions calmly and ask for a meeting with the headteacher or the SENCO. If it still feels stuck, see the section below about getting external support.

A short guide about parent–school collaboration is available from specialist charities and gives practical examples of meetings and roles.

Inclusion — what genuine inclusion feels like

Genuine inclusion is more than being in the same room as other children. It looks like:

The teacher adapting how things are taught so your child can join in (differentiated learning).
Classmates learning how to be supportive and playing together in ways that include your child.
Adjustments for sensory needs — a quiet corner, headphones for loud lessons, or movement breaks.
A timetable that lets your child build confidence with smaller steps.

Being an advocate for inclusion doesn’t mean criticising the school. Instead, give concrete examples: “When the class used timers, X could manage group work better” or “They struggle with lining up — could we try a visual queue?” Practical suggestions are often taken up more quickly than general complaints.

Organisations like the National Autistic Society and the NHS have practical advice on what inclusion can look like in school.

Practical actions — preparing for meetings and questions to ask

Before any meeting, I prepare a very small folder (either paper or a short email thread). It includes:

A one-page summary of your child — strengths, worries, and what helps. Keep it short: bullet points work.
Any recent reports or letters from professionals (SALT, OT, paediatrician).
A list of recent dates and examples if you need to explain a problem (e.g. missed school days, behavioural incidents).

Sample questions you can ask at a meeting:

“What are two things we can try this term that might help my child?”
“How will the school measure progress for these actions?”
“Who will do X and when can we review it?”
“Can we put this in writing so we can check it next time?”

Documenting concerns: keep copies of emails and a note of phone calls (date, who you spoke to, summary). If you prefer, send a short follow-up email after a meeting to confirm what was agreed — it makes future discussions clearer.

If you want a simple checklist for meetings, local SENDIASS services and Contact provide templates and advice.

Emotional support and self-care

Parenting a child with additional needs is exhausting at times. It’s okay to feel tired, angry, relieved, guilty or proud — often all at the same time. Looking after yourself helps you care for your child.

What helped me:

Join a parent-to-parent group (online or local). Hearing others say “we did that too” is oddly powerful.
Set one small boundary a week for yourself (for example, no emails after 8pm).
Keep one regular positive ritual with your child (a short walk, a bedtime story) that isn’t about fixing problems.

If you or your child are struggling with mental health, charities such as YoungMinds and Mind have specific help for parents and carers. Their helplines and guidance are practical and non-judgemental.

When to escalate — external help and legal rights (high level)

If you’ve tried working with the school and things are not improving, you can get independent help. Useful options include:

SENDIASS (Special Educational Needs and Disabilities Information, Advice and Support Service) — a free, impartial service that helps parents understand options and prepares you for meetings. They can explain your rights and local processes.
IPSEA — a charity that gives legal advice about special educational needs and can help with appeals about EHCPs or school placement issues. They explain legal options in plain language.
Mediation and local dispute resolution — local authorities usually offer mediation before you go to tribunal. The government’s SEND pages explain the process and signpost local offers.

A gentle note about legal rights: there are laws that protect a child’s right to appropriate support at school, but legal steps are often the last resort and can be slow and stressful. Use independent advice (SENDIASS, IPSEA) to understand whether legal action is needed for your situation.

Safety and crisis signposting

If you are worried about immediate danger or someone’s life is at risk, call emergency services on 999.
For urgent health advice in England, NHS 111 can help you find immediate support. For emotional support, Samaritans are available 24/7 on 116 123. If your child is thinking about harming themselves, seek urgent help through NHS emergency routes or local crisis teams.

Where to read more (trusted UK links)

NHS advice on autism and school support. (nhs.uk)
GOV.UK guide to extra SEN help and EHCPs. (GOV.UK)
National Autistic Society — extra help at school. (autism.org.uk)
SENDIASS — information and local support links. (sendiass.org)
Contact — charity for families with disabled children (helpline and resources). (Contact)
IPSEA — legal advice on SEND law. (ipsea.org.uk)
YoungMinds — parental mental health and child mental health support. (YoungMinds)
Mind — info for parents about supporting a young person. (Mind)

Final words — a small call to action

If you take one thing from this: start with a short, friendly meeting. Book 15–20 minutes with your child’s teacher or SENCO, bring a one-page notes sheet about what helps, and agree one action to try for six weeks. If that doesn’t help, ask for a review and use SENDIASS or the helplines above for independent advice.

You don’t have to do this alone. Join a local parent group or an online forum, call a helpline if you need to talk, and keep a tiny record of what’s working. These small steps helped my family move from feeling overwhelmed to having a clearer path forward — and that mattered.

Working with schools to support your child with SEN